Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he ought to stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, classified.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It really is not simply unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options

Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium where guests may ponder imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate Regulate set to "distant"

Trump Tower Damascus
A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Community Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"

The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Endlessly."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even include things like:

A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down support."

Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences suggest:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Closing Feelings with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."